Watch this quick video showing reflective listening in action:
Notice a few things about the conversation between Bobby and James:
Most people don’t know exactly what they are feeling. This is certainly the case for James — as he begins to speak, it is clear that he is aware of some feelings he is experiencing, but he struggles to put words on them. That’s exactly what makes reflective listening so powerful; giving another person the chance to process out loud allows them to put words on complicated feelings and uncover the deeper emotions guiding their behavior.
Usually, reflecting just once isn’t enough. When James first shares what is going on, he mentions several surface-level feelings. After reflecting back, Bobby prompts James and he shares again (Try saying, “is there more?). After hearing the reflection, James is able to identify several deeper emotions that are guiding his situation. In most conversations giving someone this opportunity results in deeper connection and valuable insight into the deeper feelings a person is experiencing.
Reflecting well isn’t complicated. Often when leaders first begin using Reflective Listening, they feel pressure to add emotions and insight to what a person is saying. Sometimes, small changes (like adding a word describing an emotion that is being expressed) can be helpful, but the thing that helps people the most is simply listening well, and reflecting back. It’s not complicated, but it works.
Review these rules and tips for Reflective Listening well:
Don’t give advice. This is a natural tendency, especially from parents or other adults who are used to speaking with authority. By allowing a person to feel heard and valued, you build a much stronger connection which can give you currency and trust when speaking into a person’s life later on.
Don’t talk about yourself. When you try to match or compare an experience or emotion within a conversation, often the person sharing ends up feeling unheard.
You don’t have to understand. You’ll never completely “get” what a person is going through, and the great news is that you don’t have to. Simply listening and then reflecting what they say will help them feel heard and valued.
Start simple, but use more natural wording over time. We encourage new leaders to use the phrase “What I hear you saying is:” and then develop more natural phrases like “it sounds like” to begin reflecting later on.
